Sunday, September 20, 2015

The First Days

Those first few days that you are triggered. You're hoping the feeling will go away and it's nothing but a passing moment, maybe even a day or two. But instead it grows, and you can feel your thoughts about it increasing. It slightly hurts so good, and you want it so bad, but you can't.

Just someone touching you has your senses on edge. You are a predator and you have spotted your prey. They don't even know they're being watched. Only if you let them see you lick your lips and that is never intentional.

Damn near a married woman and I still can't shake it off. When I feel fine, I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel cheating on my love. I couldn't even see it happen I'm so obsessed with him. Then when it hits me, the disloyalty of it all makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Cry for someone to make it stop. I pray that it will end soon.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015


I don't know when it happened or what it was. All I know is I'm falling. I keep thinking, if I know I'm falling this is when my realization should wake me up from this bestial rage. I know it doesn't work that way though...

When my mind relaxes, it's almost as if I go blank. It feels as if a part of me is falling asleep, maybe in a drugged daze. Then there are the thoughts that begin to fill my mind. Hmmm.. maybe not thoughts.

It's like someone had stuck an IV in me, and slowly I feel the medication coarsing through me. It's warm and I don't recognize it at first but I do notice my lack of thoughts, and then the rage. I notice the anger. I notice the need to want to hurt, to feel hurt, and to control.

It's crazy because just as easy as it comes , there is that "off-switch". It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, sometimes it's just the right words, the right touch, even the right song.

I don't even like talking about it anymore. What is the point?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Consequential Explosions

I feel like a ticking time bomb. It seems like everyone pokes and kicks at the bomb , not realizing how close they are to setting it off. It's weird because I dont necessarily feel angry, but I get these horrible flare ups as soon as I'm just even a little irritated.

I try to figure out what exactly has me feeling the way that I do by casually thinking of sensitive topics and liek a bare nerve, once in awhile it will hti me as a sensitive area. When I think of the m/c I feel a small boil of anger. Then I jump off that thought right away because I'm not really ready to go thoroughly into understanding what about it is causing me to feel  a way. I know I'm not mad about the actual m/c. I'm 100% positive that I understand that the m/c isnt exactly something I couldve controlled. To be honest, I was not even that attached yet b/c I guess a part of me felt that something wasnt right this time around. So why am I angry when I think about it?

I can feel a small part of me growing into this "monster". It feels small but I can feel it there, growing. I feel reckless with my words, and numb to my emotions. I dont feel compelled to smile, and when I do, it feels more maniacal rather than genuine happiness. What's happening to me?

I'm tired of talking to people who only want to be informed but cant seem to assist. I'm just overall sick of people. I feel mean a lot now, and it has grown pass my usual Triggers. It feels like a calm before a big fucking storm. I feel like this storm is just too big even for me, and I'm scared, which is why I'm so anxious to go to Therapy. I feel like every day I wait, I can lose it any minute and it may be too late.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Bear Hug

Some days are hard, and I'm not simply talking about sex. Some days I feel so alone. I feel thirsty for a hug, for love, for that ultimate romantic affection.

Sometimes I want to feel that movie kind of special. I try not to think too hard about it, or dwell on that Ultimate Hug that body is yearning for, and instead i hug myself, and continue about my day. 

I guess it gets difficult when you look around and you see all these open arms, begging to give you that touch, to give you that feeling of security and love. It's just not the same, its not the right fit, it's not the right puzzle piece.  
I think with me going through this recent traumatic event of a miscarriage, and being by myself majority of the time has thrown me off.

I had hopes, expectations while falling to pieces, and embarrassingly I've been scraping them all in a pile trying to put myself back together again. There are days I feel great, brave and indestructible, but the truth is the glue that's keeping these pieces together are still wet, and here n there I'm forced to do patch work. 
Everyone sees me and say I look great. Ha! If they only knew.

I just need that Ultimate Hug so bad... so so bad.....

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Her awakening

Some days is harder than others. I'll go through these moments feeling as if I'm "cured" and that I can't possibly have another episode. I'd feel way to wonderful to possibly go through that again. I stop thinking about it. I move on.

Now I'm back here again, she's back here, the beast inside. She has awakened and she suffocates me. I feel her in my throat when I'm alone with my thoughts. I feel her in my eyes, looking outside when I speak to people. She intoxicates my mind when I am at my lowest and she takes control of my body when I can no longer fight.

I feel her growing stronger with each passing day. Everyday I search for help from my loved ones, but they don't see her, they only see me and I am only a shell holding on for dear life.

There is not a horny bone in my body. I do not want sex, or to be fucked or degraded. Yet, all I can think about is degradation and destruction. My body yearns to explode with the sexual pain and destruction that can only satisfy the depraved. 

I don't want it.

And no one SEES me, so I am left with her, alone, afraid and crying for help once again.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Power circle

Life and people can be the biggest disappointments we face. They can trigger us into becoming demonic hurricanes.

Personally speaking, I depend on my closest loved ones to be the least of my worries on my trigger list. Unfortunately life does not work that way. Your partner, your family can be the biggest thing to let you down, or hurt you.

You have expectations of your family. You depend on them to hold you down when shit is rough, or to hold you up when you feel at your lowest.

You expect to feel like the most beautiful person in the world with your partner regardless if it's true or not. You expect your partner to build a foundation with you that makes both of you feel secure.

Btw, my "you" is mostly "i".

When you are let down, or when things are off balance especially with the most important people in your life, you are off balance.

Your close circle is your power circle. Honestly though, right now my "power circle" is not as strong as I thought. I find myself trying to be strong inside of my own circle. My self esteem has been put to the test while I was completely off guard.

I am saddened by the struggle and praying to God that this does not escalate into something I do not foresee but I'm trying to fight it even though I am heart broken.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Mountains and mole hills

There are times when I feel like nothing in the world can possibly disturb the little Utopia I have built. The foundation between my partner and I cannot be shaken. We are the exception...

Then a barely attractive, disrespectful piece of shit with no understanding that the feminist movement has happened walks passes my sight.


I need to make them lick the shit off my boot and beg for more.....

Now usually, these kinds of characters are few and far between. But no sooner do I get over one hill, a fucking montain appears. Not any mountain either, fuck Everest, I'm talkiing Kilimanjaro.

Fortunately for me, (not saying that anything would have gone down either) he himself is a reforming addict, which makes it harder yet easier to deeal with such a mountain. Meeting a genuine addict and not just some nympho is huge for me. Most days I feel so alone, constantly dealing with posers who think three hour masturbation makes you an addict.

I spoke to my partner about the Mountain that appeared in my life. Communication is the most important thing in my relationship. Not only does it keep my partner informed but it stops me from being as pursuant because I know my partner is aware. That is what works for me in my world at the moment.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

What is Sexual Addiction for 300

So what is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction has many aspects to it. It actually doesn't always deal with person to person intercourse. 

Ha, intercourse. 

As a matter of fact, my sexual addiction has not much to do with the direct act of sex. 

It's more like the addiction to a certain intensity of energy that most receive from the act of sex, or the acts leading up to sex. That energy is obtained through masturbation, flirtation, sex,  and sexually charged interaction. 

It becomes an addiction when you constantly seek that energy even when it hurts yourself and others constantly.

 It's an addiction when it becomes a subconscious need like any other drug or habit. 

I'm addicted to getting to know people that catch my attention. I need to feel their energy and manipulate it to my own wants and needs. It happens so often I don't even know that I'm doing it. 
That energy for me is obtained through flirting. I love the feeling and excitement of exploring other human beings. It's like reading an amazing book. 

After awhile though my energy intertwining in their energy begins  to get dark and manifests into something neither one of us directly want. 

Sometimes the energy becomes so dark, a monster inside of me is creates and itching to be triggered and released. My own subconscious becomes quiet until the person I am is in a daze, unaware, experiencing a sorta sleep. 

Then I'm simply just gone. 

The memories of what I've done are usually fuzzy. The pain of regret is in my heart and all I can do is just cry. 

That is sex addiction. 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The creature within

You ever saw that movie Species?

It's about an alien chick whose only mission in life was to fu@k and get pregnant.
Hm. Dang when I say it like that, thats like" umm wtf, over sexualized misogyny much?!".... but i digress,  I actually thought that movie was kinda hot ... smh

Sometimes I swear it really is like that. As someone who has never truly been loyal to a relationship until now, has never had to hold back from things I truly wanted. Why should I? YOLO right? I'm not saying I slept around, but I definitely kept a seasonal boo around.

I still cant get over the fact that I have been a called a succubus a few times as well. It baffles me because all I could think was "wow, what are the odds that 3 separate people have called me a succubus; WHO USES THAT WORD ANYMORE o.O wow those are low odds, life is cool"....

I was actually flattered.
I think i might be a narcissist too..-_-' great.

Anyway, so I believe that succubus go through moments where , after sucking the "soul" out of somebody (for me, their "soul" would be their liveliness, they go back into their homes and "hibernate", aka behave. Then every once in awhile, the succubus is triggered and she's on a rampage until she wears herself out, gets what she wants or becomes turned off.

Sometimes I feel so confused because I know I am a good person , for the most part (or at least I try to be). Then why is this the battle I get? Dealing with this, along with random bouts of depression is sometimes insane.This really is my challenge and I want to win.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Pulling that trigger

Sometimes i think life is a fucking trip. It seems like someone out there is either laughing at me or testing me. Of course, I'm struggling looking for a second job; maybe not exactly struggling ( is it struggling if your in the extreme lower middle class?).

I get an interview at a strip club.


The question is, as a person aware of her issues, and is an adult that owns her life..., does she put herself in the position to be tested in such a way, knowing its just prime real estate for automatic gun "trigger" pulling.

And as someone in a MONOGAMOUS relationship...... need I say more why just giving in is different this time. What makes an addiction so hard, is not as simple as turning your back on a situation. You're an addict. You need help.

Dont get me wrong, it's not like I'm some animal that works off of pure instincts. there are many easy days, weeks and even months. Then there are those times when you are going through it and you need something or even someone to knock you off that course, and honestly that usually is sex.

The sex is just that unbelievably low, or simply not you, that it wakes you up. Unfortunately its usually after the deed is done.

At times, I dont even know if I'm taking my own "sickness" serious. When I feel upset, mean and irritable I know it's either depression, or my addiction. At least with depression, it lasts for a day, maybe a week, but I know it will be over soon. I can apologize about this to my friends, family and coworkers.

Yeah..... cant do that with addiction. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Not only are you hurting yourself, you're usually hurting a series of people, all at the same time.

At this moment, all I can do is admit I have a problem, scream for help and still not do shit until finally I collapse under the weight. I dont know what that means because I've always allowed myself tht release. Not this time, and I'm very curious to see how I get through this.

I'm in love, I cant fuck this up. I just dont know where to begin with rehabilitation anymore. I'm not interested in giving my time to it when I have so much on my plate. I have ADULT issues, not this.......


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Who cares? Not I.

How do you multitask sex addiction with fidelity and family happiness?
Is it possible?

The average partner probably does not require that much attention, love or sex. Yet, I go crazy when any of these are imbalanced. It's not that I need anyone, as a matter of fact, I rarely do any kind of relationship. 

It's almost as if I'm a walking contradiction. Give me all your attention, but give me my space. Give me my independence, but let us move as one. Sometimes I cant even take myself serious I'm such a contradiction, or maybe, I'm just an all or nothing kinda womyn.

Give me all, or I want nothing.

At times I have no remorse for circumstances or situations. I say your heart, your love, your problems, are exactly that, YOURS. When I'm here, I'm only here for one thing.... 

To fu..........

Monday, April 20, 2015

To addict or not to addict; that is not the question.

"My name is Gia, and I'm a sex addict."

 I stood there laying out all my sins on the table for all to see and judge me. But at the same time, I felt naughty, sexual, like a predator willing prey to fall into my trap, all while introducing myself to hopefully, my new support group, Sex Addicts Anonymous. 
 What the fuck is wrong with me? 

That is what it's like to be me. Constantly always aware and on the hunt when all you want to do is enjoy a fucking movie. It's like I can see these waves of phermones coming off my body, and I cant stop them. 

Am I the only one like this? Do others feel this too? It's a question I'm really asking myself, then and right now. When people speak so highly of me, I feel like such a phony. Yeah, I did those nice things but does that outweigh the sexual tension I get for things I shouldnt? Then I hear the people that doubt what I'm feeling like, they say I'm just using it as an excuse tobe  selfish. 

Am i a selfish person? 

I dont think that I am. i just want my partner, my children and a fucking pig with a green house and blue picket fence. I want to be happy, drama-free. Why wouldnt I want that? 

Is there a cure?

I'm fighting through it now and I plan to win, but with so many odds and such little support, what's the chances of me not losing it? What are the chances that I can truly subdue that other side of me on my own?


I just want to be happy,so for now, I shall document my crazy, my cravens, doubts, fear and imagination.