It's been a long time... but I always come back to you , my dirty little black blog. Ha!


Sometimes I wonder how the hell a bipolar person can have a healthy relationship when "hypersexuality" is a real thing. What's really such a mindfuck is that, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy the chemistry flow of emotions and hormones that surge through me as I become a sexual prowess. It's almost like there's a predatory switch that goes off inside of you before you even realize you're doing it. You would think that if you truly love your spouse that means you would never cheat because there is such thing as self control, but its not like that. It's like the longer you hold it inside of you, the more extreme your bipolar gets. You not only need to release this tension that is physically affecting you, pulling you down to the ground because of its weight.. it's gnawing at you like a tick. I guess you can be strong and hope that it passes, that the gnawing will stop even though it could take months. You pray that your prey does something annoying or despicable enough to turn you off, to "wake you up".


 I look for those things. I usually find them.
It's weird because I'm not a sexual person.... Ha! Yeah... I wouldn't believe me either, but its true.

Alone

Sometimes I feel trapped in my inability to be satisfied. People do not satisfy me or maybe my expectation is beyond the human conditioning. I dont know. It seems others are so simple. the bare minimum is a feat. How does one not selfishly take command of others. People in general are so stupid....

I am tired of people. Maybe the idea of ALONE doesnt nee to be so bad, but it a lifestyle change. To be alone means to no longer invest feelings in others right? I think that's what I want. I'm tired of being in an area in life that I have to be vulnerable, I have t be open, I have to be receptive to toerhs.

Fuck, I'm tired of the feeling of wanting. I'm tired of wanting to feel noticed. I dont want to be those women who have settled into unfilfilling marriages They are no longer sexual beings, they are just their spouse's favorite pillow.

I would rather be alone than to yearn for something I will never recieve. I feel hurt, I feel angry. I feel trapped inside myself. I'm exhausted with the feeling of it all/ I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of my space being invaded. I'm annoyed that Om in a rlationship and feel so alone.

Not tht I need anyone, but please just let me close up and be to myself then. But thats not what i signed up for either... fuck.

i just want a reason to feel as if my efforts are worth something....