The creature within

You ever saw that movie Species?

It's about an alien chick whose only mission in life was to fu@k and get pregnant.
Hm. Dang when I say it like that, thats like" umm wtf, over sexualized misogyny much?!".... but i digress,  I actually thought that movie was kinda hot ... smh

Sometimes I swear it really is like that. As someone who has never truly been loyal to a relationship until now, has never had to hold back from things I truly wanted. Why should I? YOLO right? I'm not saying I slept around, but I definitely kept a seasonal boo around.

I still cant get over the fact that I have been a called a succubus a few times as well. It baffles me because all I could think was "wow, what are the odds that 3 separate people have called me a succubus; WHO USES THAT WORD ANYMORE o.O wow those are low odds, life is cool"....

I was actually flattered.
I think i might be a narcissist too..-_-' great.

Anyway, so I believe that succubus go through moments where , after sucking the "soul" out of somebody (for me, their "soul" would be their liveliness, they go back into their homes and "hibernate", aka behave. Then every once in awhile, the succubus is triggered and she's on a rampage until she wears herself out, gets what she wants or becomes turned off.

Sometimes I feel so confused because I know I am a good person , for the most part (or at least I try to be). Then why is this the battle I get? Dealing with this, along with random bouts of depression is sometimes insane.This really is my challenge and I want to win.

Pulling that trigger

Sometimes i think life is a fucking trip. It seems like someone out there is either laughing at me or testing me. Of course, I'm struggling looking for a second job; maybe not exactly struggling ( is it struggling if your in the extreme lower middle class?).

Bam!
I get an interview at a strip club.

(THAT I DIDNT APPLY FOR!)

The question is, as a person aware of her issues, and is an adult that owns her life..., does she put herself in the position to be tested in such a way, knowing its just prime real estate for automatic gun "trigger" pulling.

And as someone in a MONOGAMOUS relationship...... need I say more why just giving in is different this time. What makes an addiction so hard, is not as simple as turning your back on a situation. You're an addict. You need help.

Dont get me wrong, it's not like I'm some animal that works off of pure instincts. there are many easy days, weeks and even months. Then there are those times when you are going through it and you need something or even someone to knock you off that course, and honestly that usually is sex.

The sex is just that unbelievably low, or simply not you, that it wakes you up. Unfortunately its usually after the deed is done.

At times, I dont even know if I'm taking my own "sickness" serious. When I feel upset, mean and irritable I know it's either depression, or my addiction. At least with depression, it lasts for a day, maybe a week, but I know it will be over soon. I can apologize about this to my friends, family and coworkers.

Yeah..... cant do that with addiction. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Not only are you hurting yourself, you're usually hurting a series of people, all at the same time.

At this moment, all I can do is admit I have a problem, scream for help and still not do shit until finally I collapse under the weight. I dont know what that means because I've always allowed myself tht release. Not this time, and I'm very curious to see how I get through this.

I'm in love, I cant fuck this up. I just dont know where to begin with rehabilitation anymore. I'm not interested in giving my time to it when I have so much on my plate. I have ADULT issues, not this.......


SIGH..................

Who cares? Not I.

How do you multitask sex addiction with fidelity and family happiness?
Is it possible?

The average partner probably does not require that much attention, love or sex. Yet, I go crazy when any of these are imbalanced. It's not that I need anyone, as a matter of fact, I rarely do any kind of relationship. 

It's almost as if I'm a walking contradiction. Give me all your attention, but give me my space. Give me my independence, but let us move as one. Sometimes I cant even take myself serious I'm such a contradiction, or maybe, I'm just an all or nothing kinda womyn.

Give me all, or I want nothing.

At times I have no remorse for circumstances or situations. I say your heart, your love, your problems, are exactly that, YOURS. When I'm here, I'm only here for one thing.... 

To fu..........

To addict or not to addict; that is not the question.

"My name is Gia, and I'm a sex addict."

 I stood there laying out all my sins on the table for all to see and judge me. But at the same time, I felt naughty, sexual, like a predator willing prey to fall into my trap, all while introducing myself to hopefully, my new support group, Sex Addicts Anonymous. 

 What the fuck is wrong with me? 

That is what it's like to be me. Constantly always aware and on the hunt when all you want to do is enjoy a fucking movie. It's like I can see these waves of phermones coming off my body, and I cant stop them. 

Am I the only one like this? Do others feel this too? It's a question I'm really asking myself, then and right now. When people speak so highly of me, I feel like such a phony. Yeah, I did those nice things but does that outweigh the sexual tension I get for things I shouldnt? Then I hear the people that doubt what I'm feeling like, they say I'm just using it as an excuse tobe  selfish. 

Am i a selfish person? 

I dont think that I am. i just want my partner, my children and a fucking pig with a green house and blue picket fence. I want to be happy, drama-free. Why wouldnt I want that? 

Is there a cure?

I'm fighting through it now and I plan to win, but with so many odds and such little support, what's the chances of me not losing it? What are the chances that I can truly subdue that other side of me on my own?

Sigh....

I just want to be happy,so for now, I shall document my crazy, my cravens, doubts, fear and imagination.