Perspective happiness

Living someone else's idea of success will never bring happiness.

I tried it. I thought if I succeeded in the American dream, there's a pocket of happiness waiting at the end of the Red, white and blue rainbow. We are not all built the same. I feel so ungrateful and even whiny for expressing my dismay.


When it comes down to it, I'm just a forest nymph looking to go home.

I thought with enough combined success I could buy my freedom. Instead, I feel more like a shell surrounded by pretty things. My husband reminded me today that I haven't rejuvenated my spirit. I haven't oiled my machine, instead as usual, I used my resources to help those around me. Sometimes he makes me sound like a saint. Selfless.... that's who he said I was. Don't selfless people feel fulfilled in their deeds to others?

I'm not selfless... I'm just desperate to be free. Those around me just happened to be lucky to benefit from my everlasting inner struggle to survive outside the system.

I need to find home, because I'm sinking in a beautiful boat.

Tomorrows vibes ………….

Great News

I honestly am not documenting this for anyone but myself. I just need to release these secret public emotions. It's like getting to be the anonymous stripper you see on pornhub. I'm kidding, I'm not willing to shave enough to do that. But then again.....

Great News!

In a matter of 7 days, I will be experiencing a lifechanging moment. Whether the experience will go positively or be delayed gratification, in the end, I will win.

I feel so elated! Not only could this mediation be the last possible court date, but it will be the most rewarding if all goes well.

I know my husband is scared to be happy, but even if it doesn't go the way I plan, I will not pass up an opportunity to be happy for days regardless of the results. Whatever the Goddess blesses me with, I will do my best to be wise about my decisions. I just pray we looking at 6-digit numbers!

I'm going to take a moment and lose my fucking mind! If given the opportunity, booboo will be acting like straight new money.  Ha! $300 later.....  I'm too cheap to pretend to be new money. I will have to talk to the Goddess and ask my inner Sista Iyanla, Ms. Bassett and Oprah to take a seat, because I'mma need my inner Cardi, Princess Ri Ri, and lady Mariah to take a stand!

Choosing me

My heart has moments of feeling like it's under water. The moments aren't as bad as previous times, but i know im not at previous times because i refuse to be .

Its the fighting feeling of reminding myself that im not the quiet broken puppy that takes blows and eats shit, regardless of how they think they know me. Every time i speak up for myself, it is hard , but i do it because i refuse to be prey. Being alive and LIVE feels too good for a short moment of anxiety and crippling depression.

Its the feeling of yearning for more and refusing to believe that you deserve less.

I have clawed my way to where i am.

I have been through teardowns that have pushed me near suicide, loss in which Ive held myself , disrespect, consistant passive microaggressional racism for years, even apparent physical abuse starting at childhood. But i have conquered it all. I conquered a hurricane with a newborn on my hip, I bought my first home on my own. Now I have the ability to help others....best of all, Ive been able to love freely. Things that have made me feel good...

I say this because i trust in my experiences to know when i do not feel something is right. I listen to my heart when it is conflicted. I realize i have starved her (my heart). ive denied her the cheesy flowers, an reenactment of Ghost on the pottery wheel,

ive denied her sso many of the things that sprang her to life.  It was for a compromise for a love that i could never replace but a love that is unable to love me the way my heart screams out in desperation..

 I'm becoming more of a scorned Queen. I.Cant.
I kiss you my love, i hope we love again someday.