Monday, February 27, 2017

Alone


Sometimes I feel trapped in my inability to be satisfied. People do not satisfy me or maybe my expectation is beyond the human conditioning. I dont know. It seems others are so simple. the bare minimum is a feat. How does one not selfishly take command of others. People in general are so stupid....

I am tired of people. Maybe the idea of ALONE doesnt nee to be so bad, but it a lifestyle change. To be alone means to no longer invest feelings in others right? I think that's what I want. I'm tired of being in an area in life that I have to be vulnerable, I have t be open, I have to be receptive to toerhs.

Fuck, I'm tired of the feeling of wanting. I'm tired of wanting to feel noticed. I dont want to be those women who have settled into unfilfilling marriages They are no longer sexual beings, they are just their spouse's favorite pillow.

I would rather be alone than to yearn for something I will never recieve. I feel hurt, I feel angry. I feel trapped inside myself. I'm exhausted with the feeling of it all/ I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of my space being invaded. I'm annoyed that Om in a rlationship and feel so alone.

Not tht I need anyone, but please just let me close up and be to myself then. But thats not what i signed up for either... fuck.

i just want a reason to feel as if my efforts are worth something....

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The First Days

Those first few days that you are triggered. You're hoping the feeling will go away and it's nothing but a passing moment, maybe even a day or two. But instead it grows, and you can feel your thoughts about it increasing. It slightly hurts so good, and you want it so bad, but you can't.

Just someone touching you has your senses on edge. You are a predator and you have spotted your prey. They don't even know they're being watched. Only if you let them see you lick your lips and that is never intentional.

Damn near a married woman and I still can't shake it off. When I feel fine, I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel cheating on my love. I couldn't even see it happen I'm so obsessed with him. Then when it hits me, the disloyalty of it all makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Cry for someone to make it stop. I pray that it will end soon.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Silencer

I don't know when it happened or what it was. All I know is I'm falling. I keep thinking, if I know I'm falling this is when my realization should wake me up from this bestial rage. I know it doesn't work that way though...

When my mind relaxes, it's almost as if I go blank. It feels as if a part of me is falling asleep, maybe in a drugged daze. Then there are the thoughts that begin to fill my mind. Hmmm.. maybe not thoughts.

It's like someone had stuck an IV in me, and slowly I feel the medication coarsing through me. It's warm and I don't recognize it at first but I do notice my lack of thoughts, and then the rage. I notice the anger. I notice the need to want to hurt, to feel hurt, and to control.

It's crazy because just as easy as it comes , there is that "off-switch". It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, sometimes it's just the right words, the right touch, even the right song.

I don't even like talking about it anymore. What is the point?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Consequential Explosions

I feel like a ticking time bomb. It seems like everyone pokes and kicks at the bomb , not realizing how close they are to setting it off. It's weird because I dont necessarily feel angry, but I get these horrible flare ups as soon as I'm just even a little irritated.

I try to figure out what exactly has me feeling the way that I do by casually thinking of sensitive topics and liek a bare nerve, once in awhile it will hti me as a sensitive area. When I think of the m/c I feel a small boil of anger. Then I jump off that thought right away because I'm not really ready to go thoroughly into understanding what about it is causing me to feel  a way. I know I'm not mad about the actual m/c. I'm 100% positive that I understand that the m/c isnt exactly something I couldve controlled. To be honest, I was not even that attached yet b/c I guess a part of me felt that something wasnt right this time around. So why am I angry when I think about it?

I can feel a small part of me growing into this "monster". It feels small but I can feel it there, growing. I feel reckless with my words, and numb to my emotions. I dont feel compelled to smile, and when I do, it feels more maniacal rather than genuine happiness. What's happening to me?

I'm tired of talking to people who only want to be informed but cant seem to assist. I'm just overall sick of people. I feel mean a lot now, and it has grown pass my usual Triggers. It feels like a calm before a big fucking storm. I feel like this storm is just too big even for me, and I'm scared, which is why I'm so anxious to go to Therapy. I feel like every day I wait, I can lose it any minute and it may be too late.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Bear Hug

Some days are hard, and I'm not simply talking about sex. Some days I feel so alone. I feel thirsty for a hug, for love, for that ultimate romantic affection.

Sometimes I want to feel that movie kind of special. I try not to think too hard about it, or dwell on that Ultimate Hug that body is yearning for, and instead i hug myself, and continue about my day. 

I guess it gets difficult when you look around and you see all these open arms, begging to give you that touch, to give you that feeling of security and love. It's just not the same, its not the right fit, it's not the right puzzle piece.  
I think with me going through this recent traumatic event of a miscarriage, and being by myself majority of the time has thrown me off.

I had hopes, expectations while falling to pieces, and embarrassingly I've been scraping them all in a pile trying to put myself back together again. There are days I feel great, brave and indestructible, but the truth is the glue that's keeping these pieces together are still wet, and here n there I'm forced to do patch work. 
Everyone sees me and say I look great. Ha! If they only knew.

I just need that Ultimate Hug so bad... so so bad.....

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Her awakening

Some days is harder than others. I'll go through these moments feeling as if I'm "cured" and that I can't possibly have another episode. I'd feel way to wonderful to possibly go through that again. I stop thinking about it. I move on.

Now I'm back here again, she's back here, the beast inside. She has awakened and she suffocates me. I feel her in my throat when I'm alone with my thoughts. I feel her in my eyes, looking outside when I speak to people. She intoxicates my mind when I am at my lowest and she takes control of my body when I can no longer fight.

I feel her growing stronger with each passing day. Everyday I search for help from my loved ones, but they don't see her, they only see me and I am only a shell holding on for dear life.

There is not a horny bone in my body. I do not want sex, or to be fucked or degraded. Yet, all I can think about is degradation and destruction. My body yearns to explode with the sexual pain and destruction that can only satisfy the depraved. 

I don't want it.

And no one SEES me, so I am left with her, alone, afraid and crying for help once again.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Power circle

Life and people can be the biggest disappointments we face. They can trigger us into becoming demonic hurricanes.

Personally speaking, I depend on my closest loved ones to be the least of my worries on my trigger list. Unfortunately life does not work that way. Your partner, your family can be the biggest thing to let you down, or hurt you.

You have expectations of your family. You depend on them to hold you down when shit is rough, or to hold you up when you feel at your lowest.

You expect to feel like the most beautiful person in the world with your partner regardless if it's true or not. You expect your partner to build a foundation with you that makes both of you feel secure.

Btw, my "you" is mostly "i".

When you are let down, or when things are off balance especially with the most important people in your life, you are off balance.

Your close circle is your power circle. Honestly though, right now my "power circle" is not as strong as I thought. I find myself trying to be strong inside of my own circle. My self esteem has been put to the test while I was completely off guard.

I am saddened by the struggle and praying to God that this does not escalate into something I do not foresee but I'm trying to fight it even though I am heart broken.