Silencer

I don't know when it happened or what it was. All I know is I'm falling. I keep thinking, if I know I'm falling this is when my realization should wake me up from this bestial rage. I know it doesn't work that way though...

When my mind relaxes, it's almost as if I go blank. It feels as if a part of me is falling asleep, maybe in a drugged daze. Then there are the thoughts that begin to fill my mind. Hmmm.. maybe not thoughts.

It's like someone had stuck an IV in me, and slowly I feel the medication coarsing through me. It's warm and I don't recognize it at first but I do notice my lack of thoughts, and then the rage. I notice the anger. I notice the need to want to hurt, to feel hurt, and to control.

It's crazy because just as easy as it comes , there is that "off-switch". It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, sometimes it's just the right words, the right touch, even the right song.

I don't even like talking about it anymore. What is the point?

Consequential Explosions

I feel like a ticking time bomb. It seems like everyone pokes and kicks at the bomb , not realizing how close they are to setting it off. It's weird because I dont necessarily feel angry, but I get these horrible flare ups as soon as I'm just even a little irritated.

I try to figure out what exactly has me feeling the way that I do by casually thinking of sensitive topics and liek a bare nerve, once in awhile it will hti me as a sensitive area. When I think of the m/c I feel a small boil of anger. Then I jump off that thought right away because I'm not really ready to go thoroughly into understanding what about it is causing me to feel  a way. I know I'm not mad about the actual m/c. I'm 100% positive that I understand that the m/c isnt exactly something I couldve controlled. To be honest, I was not even that attached yet b/c I guess a part of me felt that something wasnt right this time around. So why am I angry when I think about it?

I can feel a small part of me growing into this "monster". It feels small but I can feel it there, growing. I feel reckless with my words, and numb to my emotions. I dont feel compelled to smile, and when I do, it feels more maniacal rather than genuine happiness. What's happening to me?

I'm tired of talking to people who only want to be informed but cant seem to assist. I'm just overall sick of people. I feel mean a lot now, and it has grown pass my usual Triggers. It feels like a calm before a big fucking storm. I feel like this storm is just too big even for me, and I'm scared, which is why I'm so anxious to go to Therapy. I feel like every day I wait, I can lose it any minute and it may be too late.

Bear Hug

Some days are hard, and I'm not simply talking about sex. Some days I feel so alone. I feel thirsty for a hug, for love, for that ultimate romantic affection.

Sometimes I want to feel that movie kind of special. I try not to think too hard about it, or dwell on that Ultimate Hug that body is yearning for, and instead i hug myself, and continue about my day. 

I guess it gets difficult when you look around and you see all these open arms, begging to give you that touch, to give you that feeling of security and love. It's just not the same, its not the right fit, it's not the right puzzle piece.  
I think with me going through this recent traumatic event of a miscarriage, and being by myself majority of the time has thrown me off.

I had hopes, expectations while falling to pieces, and embarrassingly I've been scraping them all in a pile trying to put myself back together again. There are days I feel great, brave and indestructible, but the truth is the glue that's keeping these pieces together are still wet, and here n there I'm forced to do patch work. 
Everyone sees me and say I look great. Ha! If they only knew.

I just need that Ultimate Hug so bad... so so bad.....