I'm once again losing weight. Stress is eating at my body like a plague. When i eat food, a part of me must go numb in order to finish. Its like everything is rotten and my body wants to vomit it all up.
Seeing my hard earned weight trickle down is a blow to my esteem because i don't know what else to do. I can't do it all even though i will. i realized that ive had to sacrifice something to keep so many things afloat. I just didn't realize i was sacrificing myself.
I don't say this with a sense of unhappiness, more like a sense of dissatisfaction. At times i feel like ive learned no lessons, just gained more strength to make up for my stupidity to shoulder everyone's struggles and lacking. The cons of being an empath (giving too many fucks)
I've allowed myself to numb my passion for love (of everything), replacing it with a strong tower where my vulnerabilities can rot like a dream deferred, standing tall, alone and with iron-strength. I am an impenetrable wall , each stone carefully placed by a beaten soul. There was once a time (short-lived) that my emotions returned to me. Now i can't remember the last time i cried for release, truly laughed from the heart or .......
I have become a calloused soul, fighting to pursue my dreams while wading through hard waters . it seems at every turn of seeming success is just another checkpoint to exchange a different burden.
Luckily for me i am used to the role of mountain mule.
At times i wonder though if I'm only fooling myself, telling myself im brave when really im just a smart fool ,disintegrating.
