Choosing me

My heart has moments of feeling like it's under water. The moments aren't as bad as previous times, but i know im not at previous times because i refuse to be .

Its the fighting feeling of reminding myself that im not the quiet broken puppy that takes blows and eats shit, regardless of how they think they know me. Every time i speak up for myself, it is hard , but i do it because i refuse to be prey. Being alive and LIVE feels too good for a short moment of anxiety and crippling depression.

Its the feeling of yearning for more and refusing to believe that you deserve less.

I have clawed my way to where i am.

I have been through teardowns that have pushed me near suicide, loss in which Ive held myself , disrespect, consistant passive microaggressional racism for years, even apparent physical abuse starting at childhood. But i have conquered it all. I conquered a hurricane with a newborn on my hip, I bought my first home on my own. Now I have the ability to help others....best of all, Ive been able to love freely. Things that have made me feel good...

I say this because i trust in my experiences to know when i do not feel something is right. I listen to my heart when it is conflicted. I realize i have starved her (my heart). ive denied her the cheesy flowers, an reenactment of Ghost on the pottery wheel,

ive denied her sso many of the things that sprang her to life.  It was for a compromise for a love that i could never replace but a love that is unable to love me the way my heart screams out in desperation..

 I'm becoming more of a scorned Queen. I.Cant.
I kiss you my love, i hope we love again someday.