Thursday, August 13, 2015

Consequential Explosions

I feel like a ticking time bomb. It seems like everyone pokes and kicks at the bomb , not realizing how close they are to setting it off. It's weird because I dont necessarily feel angry, but I get these horrible flare ups as soon as I'm just even a little irritated.

I try to figure out what exactly has me feeling the way that I do by casually thinking of sensitive topics and liek a bare nerve, once in awhile it will hti me as a sensitive area. When I think of the m/c I feel a small boil of anger. Then I jump off that thought right away because I'm not really ready to go thoroughly into understanding what about it is causing me to feel  a way. I know I'm not mad about the actual m/c. I'm 100% positive that I understand that the m/c isnt exactly something I couldve controlled. To be honest, I was not even that attached yet b/c I guess a part of me felt that something wasnt right this time around. So why am I angry when I think about it?

I can feel a small part of me growing into this "monster". It feels small but I can feel it there, growing. I feel reckless with my words, and numb to my emotions. I dont feel compelled to smile, and when I do, it feels more maniacal rather than genuine happiness. What's happening to me?

I'm tired of talking to people who only want to be informed but cant seem to assist. I'm just overall sick of people. I feel mean a lot now, and it has grown pass my usual Triggers. It feels like a calm before a big fucking storm. I feel like this storm is just too big even for me, and I'm scared, which is why I'm so anxious to go to Therapy. I feel like every day I wait, I can lose it any minute and it may be too late.

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