Pulling that trigger

Sometimes i think life is a fucking trip. It seems like someone out there is either laughing at me or testing me. Of course, I'm struggling looking for a second job; maybe not exactly struggling ( is it struggling if your in the extreme lower middle class?).

Bam!
I get an interview at a strip club.

(THAT I DIDNT APPLY FOR!)

The question is, as a person aware of her issues, and is an adult that owns her life..., does she put herself in the position to be tested in such a way, knowing its just prime real estate for automatic gun "trigger" pulling.

And as someone in a MONOGAMOUS relationship...... need I say more why just giving in is different this time. What makes an addiction so hard, is not as simple as turning your back on a situation. You're an addict. You need help.

Dont get me wrong, it's not like I'm some animal that works off of pure instincts. there are many easy days, weeks and even months. Then there are those times when you are going through it and you need something or even someone to knock you off that course, and honestly that usually is sex.

The sex is just that unbelievably low, or simply not you, that it wakes you up. Unfortunately its usually after the deed is done.

At times, I dont even know if I'm taking my own "sickness" serious. When I feel upset, mean and irritable I know it's either depression, or my addiction. At least with depression, it lasts for a day, maybe a week, but I know it will be over soon. I can apologize about this to my friends, family and coworkers.

Yeah..... cant do that with addiction. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Not only are you hurting yourself, you're usually hurting a series of people, all at the same time.

At this moment, all I can do is admit I have a problem, scream for help and still not do shit until finally I collapse under the weight. I dont know what that means because I've always allowed myself tht release. Not this time, and I'm very curious to see how I get through this.

I'm in love, I cant fuck this up. I just dont know where to begin with rehabilitation anymore. I'm not interested in giving my time to it when I have so much on my plate. I have ADULT issues, not this.......


SIGH..................