Great News

I honestly am not documenting this for anyone but myself. I just need to release these secret public emotions. It's like getting to be the anonymous stripper you see on pornhub. I'm kidding, I'm not willing to shave enough to do that. But then again.....

Great News!

In a matter of 7 days, I will be experiencing a lifechanging moment. Whether the experience will go positively or be delayed gratification, in the end, I will win.

I feel so elated! Not only could this mediation be the last possible court date, but it will be the most rewarding if all goes well.

I know my husband is scared to be happy, but even if it doesn't go the way I plan, I will not pass up an opportunity to be happy for days regardless of the results. Whatever the Goddess blesses me with, I will do my best to be wise about my decisions. I just pray we looking at 6-digit numbers!

I'm going to take a moment and lose my fucking mind! If given the opportunity, booboo will be acting like straight new money.  Ha! $300 later.....  I'm too cheap to pretend to be new money. I will have to talk to the Goddess and ask my inner Sista Iyanla, Ms. Bassett and Oprah to take a seat, because I'mma need my inner Cardi, Princess Ri Ri, and lady Mariah to take a stand!

Choosing me

My heart has moments of feeling like it's under water. The moments aren't as bad as previous times, but i know im not at previous times because i refuse to be .

Its the fighting feeling of reminding myself that im not the quiet broken puppy that takes blows and eats shit, regardless of how they think they know me. Every time i speak up for myself, it is hard , but i do it because i refuse to be prey. Being alive and LIVE feels too good for a short moment of anxiety and crippling depression.

Its the feeling of yearning for more and refusing to believe that you deserve less.

I have clawed my way to where i am.

I have been through teardowns that have pushed me near suicide, loss in which Ive held myself , disrespect, consistant passive microaggressional racism for years, even apparent physical abuse starting at childhood. But i have conquered it all. I conquered a hurricane with a newborn on my hip, I bought my first home on my own. Now I have the ability to help others....best of all, Ive been able to love freely. Things that have made me feel good...

I say this because i trust in my experiences to know when i do not feel something is right. I listen to my heart when it is conflicted. I realize i have starved her (my heart). ive denied her the cheesy flowers, an reenactment of Ghost on the pottery wheel,

ive denied her sso many of the things that sprang her to life.  It was for a compromise for a love that i could never replace but a love that is unable to love me the way my heart screams out in desperation..

 I'm becoming more of a scorned Queen. I.Cant.
I kiss you my love, i hope we love again someday.

The Smart Fool

If life wasn't already so short I'd probably consider killing myself. Living in my body at times feels like a prison sentence.

I'm once again losing weight. Stress is eating at my body like a plague. When i eat food, a part of me must go numb in order to finish. Its like everything is rotten and my body wants to vomit it all up.

Seeing my hard earned weight trickle down is a blow to my esteem because i don't know what else to do. I can't do it all even though i will. i realized that ive had to sacrifice something to keep so many things afloat. I just didn't realize i was sacrificing myself.

I don't say this with a sense of unhappiness, more like a sense of dissatisfaction. At times i feel like ive learned no lessons, just gained more strength to make up for my stupidity to shoulder everyone's struggles and lacking.  The cons of being an empath (giving too many fucks)

I've allowed myself to numb my passion for love (of everything), replacing it with a strong tower where my vulnerabilities can rot like a dream deferred, standing tall, alone and with iron-strength. I am an impenetrable wall , each stone carefully placed by a beaten soul. There was once a time (short-lived) that my emotions returned to me. Now i can't remember the last time i cried for release, truly laughed from the heart or .......

I have become a calloused soul, fighting to pursue my dreams while wading through hard waters . it seems at every turn of seeming success is just another checkpoint to exchange a different burden.

Luckily for me i am used to the role of mountain mule.

To keep striving forward knowing one day this will all end.

A part of me finds satisfaction In that. But alas, my standards pushed me forward to have the greatest view i can reach regardless of my own dark thoughts and perspective. So i continue, i move up because there is no way in Hell ill go down. I've been there, i know what's there.

At times i wonder though if I'm only fooling myself, telling myself im brave when really im just a smart fool ,disintegrating.

It's been a long time... but I always come back to you , my dirty little black blog. Ha!


Sometimes I wonder how the hell a bipolar person can have a healthy relationship when "hypersexuality" is a real thing. What's really such a mindfuck is that, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy the chemistry flow of emotions and hormones that surge through me as I become a sexual prowess. It's almost like there's a predatory switch that goes off inside of you before you even realize you're doing it. You would think that if you truly love your spouse that means you would never cheat because there is such thing as self control, but its not like that. It's like the longer you hold it inside of you, the more extreme your bipolar gets. You not only need to release this tension that is physically affecting you, pulling you down to the ground because of its weight.. it's gnawing at you like a tick. I guess you can be strong and hope that it passes, that the gnawing will stop even though it could take months. You pray that your prey does something annoying or despicable enough to turn you off, to "wake you up".


 I look for those things. I usually find them.
It's weird because I'm not a sexual person.... Ha! Yeah... I wouldn't believe me either, but its true.

Alone

Sometimes I feel trapped in my inability to be satisfied. People do not satisfy me or maybe my expectation is beyond the human conditioning. I dont know. It seems others are so simple. the bare minimum is a feat. How does one not selfishly take command of others. People in general are so stupid....

I am tired of people. Maybe the idea of ALONE doesnt nee to be so bad, but it a lifestyle change. To be alone means to no longer invest feelings in others right? I think that's what I want. I'm tired of being in an area in life that I have to be vulnerable, I have t be open, I have to be receptive to toerhs.

Fuck, I'm tired of the feeling of wanting. I'm tired of wanting to feel noticed. I dont want to be those women who have settled into unfilfilling marriages They are no longer sexual beings, they are just their spouse's favorite pillow.

I would rather be alone than to yearn for something I will never recieve. I feel hurt, I feel angry. I feel trapped inside myself. I'm exhausted with the feeling of it all/ I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of my space being invaded. I'm annoyed that Om in a rlationship and feel so alone.

Not tht I need anyone, but please just let me close up and be to myself then. But thats not what i signed up for either... fuck.

i just want a reason to feel as if my efforts are worth something....

The First Days

Those first few days that you are triggered. You're hoping the feeling will go away and it's nothing but a passing moment, maybe even a day or two. But instead it grows, and you can feel your thoughts about it increasing. It slightly hurts so good, and you want it so bad, but you can't.

Just someone touching you has your senses on edge. You are a predator and you have spotted your prey. They don't even know they're being watched. Only if you let them see you lick your lips and that is never intentional.

Damn near a married woman and I still can't shake it off. When I feel fine, I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel cheating on my love. I couldn't even see it happen I'm so obsessed with him. Then when it hits me, the disloyalty of it all makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Cry for someone to make it stop. I pray that it will end soon.

Silencer

I don't know when it happened or what it was. All I know is I'm falling. I keep thinking, if I know I'm falling this is when my realization should wake me up from this bestial rage. I know it doesn't work that way though...

When my mind relaxes, it's almost as if I go blank. It feels as if a part of me is falling asleep, maybe in a drugged daze. Then there are the thoughts that begin to fill my mind. Hmmm.. maybe not thoughts.

It's like someone had stuck an IV in me, and slowly I feel the medication coarsing through me. It's warm and I don't recognize it at first but I do notice my lack of thoughts, and then the rage. I notice the anger. I notice the need to want to hurt, to feel hurt, and to control.

It's crazy because just as easy as it comes , there is that "off-switch". It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, sometimes it's just the right words, the right touch, even the right song.

I don't even like talking about it anymore. What is the point?