Obsessed not stupid

 Sometimes I'm so obsessed with my husband. Every time I think of him,  I get wet. how many people can say that about their husband after ten years? I find myself wanting him more and more. I choose to be obsessed with him though. It's a healthy obsession you can say. I am choosing to believe him because I forgive him for hurting me. He truly did nothing wrong except to not consider me, and that hurt more than anything.  That is what I forgive him for but a bitch ain't forgetting shit.

At the end of the day I got to marry my dream side nigga. Every day I want to fuck him. Honestly though,  I lost myself in the role of loving him.  I wanted to be his everything,  I dressed for him. This year I learned I couldn't be everything,  it was physically impossible and mentally exhausting.  I was trying so hard to capture his eye so he would stop looking at another,  outside of my boundary line.  I ended up relying on his compliments for my self esteem. 

If anyone looks me, they know I'm not about that hurt life. I shaved off all my hair, rebelling against his ideal of long hair. When I look in the mirror,  I see me again.  I see my idea of beauty.  He seems to love me even more these days.  I love it,  and I work to not be suspicious of it.  My instincts already searching for old patterns of behavior.  My mind though has had enough.  My heart has had enough.  He will get his clean slate because one more time,  is one more than enough.  

I hope to find the faith and trust in my husband that was lost.  

Almost done waiting

 

My body feels tense.  It's like I'm waiting for the moment the needle breaks the skin.  Anticipation of pain you know you can tolerate, that you'll get through.  Or.. maybe my fucking period is coming and I'm starting to temporarily lose it like I do every month.  I gotta find a better way to control my crazy. Sometimes I allow it to eat at me until I burst and end up doing something drastic. 

I think about my best friend,  how she felt compelled to show up to this guy's job because she was so in love with him and she had to explain to him how she felt because he broke up with her.  Honestly I don't think they were really together.  It was a Cancer falling for the wrong one at the end of the day.  

God I hope it is my period and not intuition.  The difference is, I will wait this time because my final move is my last. I hope he proves me wrong.  I'm glad the wait is over at least. I'll finally know if my husband really is mine. 

Married waiting for Love

 Time has gone by... so much time... and here i find myself, nostalgic asf. Almost like a secret corner of the world that no one knows about.... 4 kids later, married to an amazing man that doesn't know how to love me genuinely.... Wait, let me explain.... Technically, logically, after 10 years of being together, he knows what i like and what I want, but internally he cannot bring himself to perform those things because they would not be genuine to him. Nothing crazy, just consistently dote on me, tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me every day; kiss me because he missed me when I went to the bathroom.

  So this Romantic sits, waiting like a good puppy for a pat on the head.

Not going to lie, this shit feels whack. I just wanna be recklessly in love for a little while. I want to know what the extreme version of myself looks like. I need that fucking refreshment that I seem to offer to so many people.  I'm not fucking car freshener. I think knowing life is short, makes everything more exciting... It's like, why wait to be extreme? Why wait and be reserved? Why miss out? Why not experience everything to its max if you can, without toxicity if possible.

I'm not a normal human

being though. I dont blame him sometimes. Most times I do though. I'm so in love with my husband, I wish I could express it the way I want. I cant though. I have to wait to see if he is loyal to me. I am scared that he will confirm what I believe. There is a chick at his job, and as much as he says it aint nothing.. It's always nothing until he is apologizing. I might be madly in love with my husband but I love me more.

Guess when he goes back to work from his vacay will see who speaks more, his heart or his dick. Typical fucked up worries for a black woman and a basic nigga who loves a bitch with long hair , light skin and a nice smile. It's embarrassing now. I guess when we were just friends with benefits I didnt give a fuck, now I just look at him with a screwed up face as he shows me typical behaviour. I want exceptional. I am EXCEPTIONAL.

Show me EXCEPTIONAL Goddess

Perspective happiness

Living someone else's idea of success will never bring happiness.

I tried it. I thought if I succeeded in the American dream, there's a pocket of happiness waiting at the end of the Red, white and blue rainbow. We are not all built the same. I feel so ungrateful and even whiny for expressing my dismay.


When it comes down to it, I'm just a forest nymph looking to go home.

I thought with enough combined success I could buy my freedom. Instead, I feel more like a shell surrounded by pretty things. My husband reminded me today that I haven't rejuvenated my spirit. I haven't oiled my machine, instead as usual, I used my resources to help those around me. Sometimes he makes me sound like a saint. Selfless.... that's who he said I was. Don't selfless people feel fulfilled in their deeds to others?

I'm not selfless... I'm just desperate to be free. Those around me just happened to be lucky to benefit from my everlasting inner struggle to survive outside the system.

I need to find home, because I'm sinking in a beautiful boat.

Choosing me

My heart has moments of feeling like it's under water. The moments aren't as bad as previous times, but i know im not at previous times because i refuse to be .

Its the fighting feeling of reminding myself that im not the quiet broken puppy that takes blows and eats shit, regardless of how they think they know me. Every time i speak up for myself, it is hard , but i do it because i refuse to be prey. Being alive and LIVE feels too good for a short moment of anxiety and crippling depression.

Its the feeling of yearning for more and refusing to believe that you deserve less.

I have clawed my way to where i am.

I have been through teardowns that have pushed me near suicide, loss in which Ive held myself , disrespect, consistant passive microaggressional racism for years, even apparent physical abuse starting at childhood. But i have conquered it all. I conquered a hurricane with a newborn on my hip, I bought my first home on my own. Now I have the ability to help others....best of all, Ive been able to love freely. Things that have made me feel good...

I say this because i trust in my experiences to know when i do not feel something is right. I listen to my heart when it is conflicted. I realize i have starved her (my heart). ive denied her the cheesy flowers, an reenactment of Ghost on the pottery wheel,

ive denied her sso many of the things that sprang her to life.  It was for a compromise for a love that i could never replace but a love that is unable to love me the way my heart screams out in desperation..

 I'm becoming more of a scorned Queen. I.Cant.
I kiss you my love, i hope we love again someday.

The Smart Fool

If life wasn't already so short I'd probably consider killing myself. Living in my body at times feels like a prison sentence.

I'm once again losing weight. Stress is eating at my body like a plague. When i eat food, a part of me must go numb in order to finish. Its like everything is rotten and my body wants to vomit it all up.

Seeing my hard earned weight trickle down is a blow to my esteem because i don't know what else to do. I can't do it all even though i will. i realized that ive had to sacrifice something to keep so many things afloat. I just didn't realize i was sacrificing myself.

I don't say this with a sense of unhappiness, more like a sense of dissatisfaction. At times i feel like ive learned no lessons, just gained more strength to make up for my stupidity to shoulder everyone's struggles and lacking.  The cons of being an empath (giving too many fucks)

I've allowed myself to numb my passion for love (of everything), replacing it with a strong tower where my vulnerabilities can rot like a dream deferred, standing tall, alone and with iron-strength. I am an impenetrable wall , each stone carefully placed by a beaten soul. There was once a time (short-lived) that my emotions returned to me. Now i can't remember the last time i cried for release, truly laughed from the heart or .......

I have become a calloused soul, fighting to pursue my dreams while wading through hard waters . it seems at every turn of seeming success is just another checkpoint to exchange a different burden.

Luckily for me i am used to the role of mountain mule.

To keep striving forward knowing one day this will all end.

A part of me finds satisfaction In that. But alas, my standards pushed me forward to have the greatest view i can reach regardless of my own dark thoughts and perspective. So i continue, i move up because there is no way in Hell ill go down. I've been there, i know what's there.

At times i wonder though if I'm only fooling myself, telling myself im brave when really im just a smart fool ,disintegrating.

Bear Hug

Some days are hard, and I'm not simply talking about sex. Some days I feel so alone. I feel thirsty for a hug, for love, for that ultimate romantic affection.

Sometimes I want to feel that movie kind of special. I try not to think too hard about it, or dwell on that Ultimate Hug that body is yearning for, and instead i hug myself, and continue about my day. 

I guess it gets difficult when you look around and you see all these open arms, begging to give you that touch, to give you that feeling of security and love. It's just not the same, its not the right fit, it's not the right puzzle piece.  
I think with me going through this recent traumatic event of a miscarriage, and being by myself majority of the time has thrown me off.

I had hopes, expectations while falling to pieces, and embarrassingly I've been scraping them all in a pile trying to put myself back together again. There are days I feel great, brave and indestructible, but the truth is the glue that's keeping these pieces together are still wet, and here n there I'm forced to do patch work. 
Everyone sees me and say I look great. Ha! If they only knew.

I just need that Ultimate Hug so bad... so so bad.....