Perspective happiness

Living someone else's idea of success will never bring happiness.

I tried it. I thought if I succeeded in the American dream, there's a pocket of happiness waiting at the end of the Red, white and blue rainbow. We are not all built the same. I feel so ungrateful and even whiny for expressing my dismay.


When it comes down to it, I'm just a forest nymph looking to go home.

I thought with enough combined success I could buy my freedom. Instead, I feel more like a shell surrounded by pretty things. My husband reminded me today that I haven't rejuvenated my spirit. I haven't oiled my machine, instead as usual, I used my resources to help those around me. Sometimes he makes me sound like a saint. Selfless.... that's who he said I was. Don't selfless people feel fulfilled in their deeds to others?

I'm not selfless... I'm just desperate to be free. Those around me just happened to be lucky to benefit from my everlasting inner struggle to survive outside the system.

I need to find home, because I'm sinking in a beautiful boat.

The Smart Fool

If life wasn't already so short I'd probably consider killing myself. Living in my body at times feels like a prison sentence.

I'm once again losing weight. Stress is eating at my body like a plague. When i eat food, a part of me must go numb in order to finish. Its like everything is rotten and my body wants to vomit it all up.

Seeing my hard earned weight trickle down is a blow to my esteem because i don't know what else to do. I can't do it all even though i will. i realized that ive had to sacrifice something to keep so many things afloat. I just didn't realize i was sacrificing myself.

I don't say this with a sense of unhappiness, more like a sense of dissatisfaction. At times i feel like ive learned no lessons, just gained more strength to make up for my stupidity to shoulder everyone's struggles and lacking.  The cons of being an empath (giving too many fucks)

I've allowed myself to numb my passion for love (of everything), replacing it with a strong tower where my vulnerabilities can rot like a dream deferred, standing tall, alone and with iron-strength. I am an impenetrable wall , each stone carefully placed by a beaten soul. There was once a time (short-lived) that my emotions returned to me. Now i can't remember the last time i cried for release, truly laughed from the heart or .......

I have become a calloused soul, fighting to pursue my dreams while wading through hard waters . it seems at every turn of seeming success is just another checkpoint to exchange a different burden.

Luckily for me i am used to the role of mountain mule.

To keep striving forward knowing one day this will all end.

A part of me finds satisfaction In that. But alas, my standards pushed me forward to have the greatest view i can reach regardless of my own dark thoughts and perspective. So i continue, i move up because there is no way in Hell ill go down. I've been there, i know what's there.

At times i wonder though if I'm only fooling myself, telling myself im brave when really im just a smart fool ,disintegrating.

Pulling that trigger

Sometimes i think life is a fucking trip. It seems like someone out there is either laughing at me or testing me. Of course, I'm struggling looking for a second job; maybe not exactly struggling ( is it struggling if your in the extreme lower middle class?).

Bam!
I get an interview at a strip club.

(THAT I DIDNT APPLY FOR!)

The question is, as a person aware of her issues, and is an adult that owns her life..., does she put herself in the position to be tested in such a way, knowing its just prime real estate for automatic gun "trigger" pulling.

And as someone in a MONOGAMOUS relationship...... need I say more why just giving in is different this time. What makes an addiction so hard, is not as simple as turning your back on a situation. You're an addict. You need help.

Dont get me wrong, it's not like I'm some animal that works off of pure instincts. there are many easy days, weeks and even months. Then there are those times when you are going through it and you need something or even someone to knock you off that course, and honestly that usually is sex.

The sex is just that unbelievably low, or simply not you, that it wakes you up. Unfortunately its usually after the deed is done.

At times, I dont even know if I'm taking my own "sickness" serious. When I feel upset, mean and irritable I know it's either depression, or my addiction. At least with depression, it lasts for a day, maybe a week, but I know it will be over soon. I can apologize about this to my friends, family and coworkers.

Yeah..... cant do that with addiction. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Not only are you hurting yourself, you're usually hurting a series of people, all at the same time.

At this moment, all I can do is admit I have a problem, scream for help and still not do shit until finally I collapse under the weight. I dont know what that means because I've always allowed myself tht release. Not this time, and I'm very curious to see how I get through this.

I'm in love, I cant fuck this up. I just dont know where to begin with rehabilitation anymore. I'm not interested in giving my time to it when I have so much on my plate. I have ADULT issues, not this.......


SIGH..................