Obsessed not stupid

 Sometimes I'm so obsessed with my husband. Every time I think of him,  I get wet. how many people can say that about their husband after ten years? I find myself wanting him more and more. I choose to be obsessed with him though. It's a healthy obsession you can say. I am choosing to believe him because I forgive him for hurting me. He truly did nothing wrong except to not consider me, and that hurt more than anything.  That is what I forgive him for but a bitch ain't forgetting shit.

At the end of the day I got to marry my dream side nigga. Every day I want to fuck him. Honestly though,  I lost myself in the role of loving him.  I wanted to be his everything,  I dressed for him. This year I learned I couldn't be everything,  it was physically impossible and mentally exhausting.  I was trying so hard to capture his eye so he would stop looking at another,  outside of my boundary line.  I ended up relying on his compliments for my self esteem. 

If anyone looks me, they know I'm not about that hurt life. I shaved off all my hair, rebelling against his ideal of long hair. When I look in the mirror,  I see me again.  I see my idea of beauty.  He seems to love me even more these days.  I love it,  and I work to not be suspicious of it.  My instincts already searching for old patterns of behavior.  My mind though has had enough.  My heart has had enough.  He will get his clean slate because one more time,  is one more than enough.  

I hope to find the faith and trust in my husband that was lost.  

Married waiting for Love

 Time has gone by... so much time... and here i find myself, nostalgic asf. Almost like a secret corner of the world that no one knows about.... 4 kids later, married to an amazing man that doesn't know how to love me genuinely.... Wait, let me explain.... Technically, logically, after 10 years of being together, he knows what i like and what I want, but internally he cannot bring himself to perform those things because they would not be genuine to him. Nothing crazy, just consistently dote on me, tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me every day; kiss me because he missed me when I went to the bathroom.

  So this Romantic sits, waiting like a good puppy for a pat on the head.

Not going to lie, this shit feels whack. I just wanna be recklessly in love for a little while. I want to know what the extreme version of myself looks like. I need that fucking refreshment that I seem to offer to so many people.  I'm not fucking car freshener. I think knowing life is short, makes everything more exciting... It's like, why wait to be extreme? Why wait and be reserved? Why miss out? Why not experience everything to its max if you can, without toxicity if possible.

I'm not a normal human

being though. I dont blame him sometimes. Most times I do though. I'm so in love with my husband, I wish I could express it the way I want. I cant though. I have to wait to see if he is loyal to me. I am scared that he will confirm what I believe. There is a chick at his job, and as much as he says it aint nothing.. It's always nothing until he is apologizing. I might be madly in love with my husband but I love me more.

Guess when he goes back to work from his vacay will see who speaks more, his heart or his dick. Typical fucked up worries for a black woman and a basic nigga who loves a bitch with long hair , light skin and a nice smile. It's embarrassing now. I guess when we were just friends with benefits I didnt give a fuck, now I just look at him with a screwed up face as he shows me typical behaviour. I want exceptional. I am EXCEPTIONAL.

Show me EXCEPTIONAL Goddess

The First Days

Those first few days that you are triggered. You're hoping the feeling will go away and it's nothing but a passing moment, maybe even a day or two. But instead it grows, and you can feel your thoughts about it increasing. It slightly hurts so good, and you want it so bad, but you can't.

Just someone touching you has your senses on edge. You are a predator and you have spotted your prey. They don't even know they're being watched. Only if you let them see you lick your lips and that is never intentional.

Damn near a married woman and I still can't shake it off. When I feel fine, I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel cheating on my love. I couldn't even see it happen I'm so obsessed with him. Then when it hits me, the disloyalty of it all makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Cry for someone to make it stop. I pray that it will end soon.