The Smart Fool

If life wasn't already so short I'd probably consider killing myself. Living in my body at times feels like a prison sentence.

I'm once again losing weight. Stress is eating at my body like a plague. When i eat food, a part of me must go numb in order to finish. Its like everything is rotten and my body wants to vomit it all up.

Seeing my hard earned weight trickle down is a blow to my esteem because i don't know what else to do. I can't do it all even though i will. i realized that ive had to sacrifice something to keep so many things afloat. I just didn't realize i was sacrificing myself.

I don't say this with a sense of unhappiness, more like a sense of dissatisfaction. At times i feel like ive learned no lessons, just gained more strength to make up for my stupidity to shoulder everyone's struggles and lacking.  The cons of being an empath (giving too many fucks)

I've allowed myself to numb my passion for love (of everything), replacing it with a strong tower where my vulnerabilities can rot like a dream deferred, standing tall, alone and with iron-strength. I am an impenetrable wall , each stone carefully placed by a beaten soul. There was once a time (short-lived) that my emotions returned to me. Now i can't remember the last time i cried for release, truly laughed from the heart or .......

I have become a calloused soul, fighting to pursue my dreams while wading through hard waters . it seems at every turn of seeming success is just another checkpoint to exchange a different burden.

Luckily for me i am used to the role of mountain mule.

To keep striving forward knowing one day this will all end.

A part of me finds satisfaction In that. But alas, my standards pushed me forward to have the greatest view i can reach regardless of my own dark thoughts and perspective. So i continue, i move up because there is no way in Hell ill go down. I've been there, i know what's there.

At times i wonder though if I'm only fooling myself, telling myself im brave when really im just a smart fool ,disintegrating.

It's been a long time... but I always come back to you , my dirty little black blog. Ha!


Sometimes I wonder how the hell a bipolar person can have a healthy relationship when "hypersexuality" is a real thing. What's really such a mindfuck is that, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy the chemistry flow of emotions and hormones that surge through me as I become a sexual prowess. It's almost like there's a predatory switch that goes off inside of you before you even realize you're doing it. You would think that if you truly love your spouse that means you would never cheat because there is such thing as self control, but its not like that. It's like the longer you hold it inside of you, the more extreme your bipolar gets. You not only need to release this tension that is physically affecting you, pulling you down to the ground because of its weight.. it's gnawing at you like a tick. I guess you can be strong and hope that it passes, that the gnawing will stop even though it could take months. You pray that your prey does something annoying or despicable enough to turn you off, to "wake you up".


 I look for those things. I usually find them.
It's weird because I'm not a sexual person.... Ha! Yeah... I wouldn't believe me either, but its true.

Alone

Sometimes I feel trapped in my inability to be satisfied. People do not satisfy me or maybe my expectation is beyond the human conditioning. I dont know. It seems others are so simple. the bare minimum is a feat. How does one not selfishly take command of others. People in general are so stupid....

I am tired of people. Maybe the idea of ALONE doesnt nee to be so bad, but it a lifestyle change. To be alone means to no longer invest feelings in others right? I think that's what I want. I'm tired of being in an area in life that I have to be vulnerable, I have t be open, I have to be receptive to toerhs.

Fuck, I'm tired of the feeling of wanting. I'm tired of wanting to feel noticed. I dont want to be those women who have settled into unfilfilling marriages They are no longer sexual beings, they are just their spouse's favorite pillow.

I would rather be alone than to yearn for something I will never recieve. I feel hurt, I feel angry. I feel trapped inside myself. I'm exhausted with the feeling of it all/ I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of my space being invaded. I'm annoyed that Om in a rlationship and feel so alone.

Not tht I need anyone, but please just let me close up and be to myself then. But thats not what i signed up for either... fuck.

i just want a reason to feel as if my efforts are worth something....

The First Days

Those first few days that you are triggered. You're hoping the feeling will go away and it's nothing but a passing moment, maybe even a day or two. But instead it grows, and you can feel your thoughts about it increasing. It slightly hurts so good, and you want it so bad, but you can't.

Just someone touching you has your senses on edge. You are a predator and you have spotted your prey. They don't even know they're being watched. Only if you let them see you lick your lips and that is never intentional.

Damn near a married woman and I still can't shake it off. When I feel fine, I can't imagine the guilt I'd feel cheating on my love. I couldn't even see it happen I'm so obsessed with him. Then when it hits me, the disloyalty of it all makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Cry for someone to make it stop. I pray that it will end soon.

Silencer

I don't know when it happened or what it was. All I know is I'm falling. I keep thinking, if I know I'm falling this is when my realization should wake me up from this bestial rage. I know it doesn't work that way though...

When my mind relaxes, it's almost as if I go blank. It feels as if a part of me is falling asleep, maybe in a drugged daze. Then there are the thoughts that begin to fill my mind. Hmmm.. maybe not thoughts.

It's like someone had stuck an IV in me, and slowly I feel the medication coarsing through me. It's warm and I don't recognize it at first but I do notice my lack of thoughts, and then the rage. I notice the anger. I notice the need to want to hurt, to feel hurt, and to control.

It's crazy because just as easy as it comes , there is that "off-switch". It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, sometimes it's just the right words, the right touch, even the right song.

I don't even like talking about it anymore. What is the point?

Consequential Explosions

I feel like a ticking time bomb. It seems like everyone pokes and kicks at the bomb , not realizing how close they are to setting it off. It's weird because I dont necessarily feel angry, but I get these horrible flare ups as soon as I'm just even a little irritated.

I try to figure out what exactly has me feeling the way that I do by casually thinking of sensitive topics and liek a bare nerve, once in awhile it will hti me as a sensitive area. When I think of the m/c I feel a small boil of anger. Then I jump off that thought right away because I'm not really ready to go thoroughly into understanding what about it is causing me to feel  a way. I know I'm not mad about the actual m/c. I'm 100% positive that I understand that the m/c isnt exactly something I couldve controlled. To be honest, I was not even that attached yet b/c I guess a part of me felt that something wasnt right this time around. So why am I angry when I think about it?

I can feel a small part of me growing into this "monster". It feels small but I can feel it there, growing. I feel reckless with my words, and numb to my emotions. I dont feel compelled to smile, and when I do, it feels more maniacal rather than genuine happiness. What's happening to me?

I'm tired of talking to people who only want to be informed but cant seem to assist. I'm just overall sick of people. I feel mean a lot now, and it has grown pass my usual Triggers. It feels like a calm before a big fucking storm. I feel like this storm is just too big even for me, and I'm scared, which is why I'm so anxious to go to Therapy. I feel like every day I wait, I can lose it any minute and it may be too late.

Bear Hug

Some days are hard, and I'm not simply talking about sex. Some days I feel so alone. I feel thirsty for a hug, for love, for that ultimate romantic affection.

Sometimes I want to feel that movie kind of special. I try not to think too hard about it, or dwell on that Ultimate Hug that body is yearning for, and instead i hug myself, and continue about my day. 

I guess it gets difficult when you look around and you see all these open arms, begging to give you that touch, to give you that feeling of security and love. It's just not the same, its not the right fit, it's not the right puzzle piece.  
I think with me going through this recent traumatic event of a miscarriage, and being by myself majority of the time has thrown me off.

I had hopes, expectations while falling to pieces, and embarrassingly I've been scraping them all in a pile trying to put myself back together again. There are days I feel great, brave and indestructible, but the truth is the glue that's keeping these pieces together are still wet, and here n there I'm forced to do patch work. 
Everyone sees me and say I look great. Ha! If they only knew.

I just need that Ultimate Hug so bad... so so bad.....