Being in my body is so overwhelming. I feel like there's a universe inside of me , and i will implode and then explode if I don't figure out a way to channel it. IT almost feels as if my body is too weak to handle my spirit. Is that a thing? 

I can cry from my limitations, senseless emotions, burning desire for a thing that I dont know even exists. The closes thing to reaching such a desire was love. Is that what I chase? Looking for that burning feeling, that thirst that craves to be quenched. I dont think the human body is capable of encapsulating that sort of quenched thirst I am speaking of.

I love m=watching my life, but sometimes I feel like I am just watching it out of the body of another. A disconnect exists. No one knows though, I'm pretty good at faking it. All I have to do is tap into that small piece of passion, that fiery desert, that desolate endless plain. 

I think sbout the time i took shrooms , and I foolishly asked to feel the powers of the Goddess. Boy, the feeling of inifnity, endless galaxy, the stretch of forever.... It was .... overhwelming, is such a tiny word.. yet the only one i can express. I was overwhelmed, crushed, inundated...

Obsessed not stupid

 Sometimes I'm so obsessed with my husband. Every time I think of him,  I get wet. how many people can say that about their husband after ten years? I find myself wanting him more and more. I choose to be obsessed with him though. It's a healthy obsession you can say. I am choosing to believe him because I forgive him for hurting me. He truly did nothing wrong except to not consider me, and that hurt more than anything.  That is what I forgive him for but a bitch ain't forgetting shit.

At the end of the day I got to marry my dream side nigga. Every day I want to fuck him. Honestly though,  I lost myself in the role of loving him.  I wanted to be his everything,  I dressed for him. This year I learned I couldn't be everything,  it was physically impossible and mentally exhausting.  I was trying so hard to capture his eye so he would stop looking at another,  outside of my boundary line.  I ended up relying on his compliments for my self esteem. 

If anyone looks me, they know I'm not about that hurt life. I shaved off all my hair, rebelling against his ideal of long hair. When I look in the mirror,  I see me again.  I see my idea of beauty.  He seems to love me even more these days.  I love it,  and I work to not be suspicious of it.  My instincts already searching for old patterns of behavior.  My mind though has had enough.  My heart has had enough.  He will get his clean slate because one more time,  is one more than enough.  

I hope to find the faith and trust in my husband that was lost.  

Almost done waiting

 

My body feels tense.  It's like I'm waiting for the moment the needle breaks the skin.  Anticipation of pain you know you can tolerate, that you'll get through.  Or.. maybe my fucking period is coming and I'm starting to temporarily lose it like I do every month.  I gotta find a better way to control my crazy. Sometimes I allow it to eat at me until I burst and end up doing something drastic. 

I think about my best friend,  how she felt compelled to show up to this guy's job because she was so in love with him and she had to explain to him how she felt because he broke up with her.  Honestly I don't think they were really together.  It was a Cancer falling for the wrong one at the end of the day.  

God I hope it is my period and not intuition.  The difference is, I will wait this time because my final move is my last. I hope he proves me wrong.  I'm glad the wait is over at least. I'll finally know if my husband really is mine. 

Married waiting for Love

 Time has gone by... so much time... and here i find myself, nostalgic asf. Almost like a secret corner of the world that no one knows about.... 4 kids later, married to an amazing man that doesn't know how to love me genuinely.... Wait, let me explain.... Technically, logically, after 10 years of being together, he knows what i like and what I want, but internally he cannot bring himself to perform those things because they would not be genuine to him. Nothing crazy, just consistently dote on me, tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me every day; kiss me because he missed me when I went to the bathroom.

  So this Romantic sits, waiting like a good puppy for a pat on the head.

Not going to lie, this shit feels whack. I just wanna be recklessly in love for a little while. I want to know what the extreme version of myself looks like. I need that fucking refreshment that I seem to offer to so many people.  I'm not fucking car freshener. I think knowing life is short, makes everything more exciting... It's like, why wait to be extreme? Why wait and be reserved? Why miss out? Why not experience everything to its max if you can, without toxicity if possible.

I'm not a normal human

being though. I dont blame him sometimes. Most times I do though. I'm so in love with my husband, I wish I could express it the way I want. I cant though. I have to wait to see if he is loyal to me. I am scared that he will confirm what I believe. There is a chick at his job, and as much as he says it aint nothing.. It's always nothing until he is apologizing. I might be madly in love with my husband but I love me more.

Guess when he goes back to work from his vacay will see who speaks more, his heart or his dick. Typical fucked up worries for a black woman and a basic nigga who loves a bitch with long hair , light skin and a nice smile. It's embarrassing now. I guess when we were just friends with benefits I didnt give a fuck, now I just look at him with a screwed up face as he shows me typical behaviour. I want exceptional. I am EXCEPTIONAL.

Show me EXCEPTIONAL Goddess

Perspective happiness

Living someone else's idea of success will never bring happiness.

I tried it. I thought if I succeeded in the American dream, there's a pocket of happiness waiting at the end of the Red, white and blue rainbow. We are not all built the same. I feel so ungrateful and even whiny for expressing my dismay.


When it comes down to it, I'm just a forest nymph looking to go home.

I thought with enough combined success I could buy my freedom. Instead, I feel more like a shell surrounded by pretty things. My husband reminded me today that I haven't rejuvenated my spirit. I haven't oiled my machine, instead as usual, I used my resources to help those around me. Sometimes he makes me sound like a saint. Selfless.... that's who he said I was. Don't selfless people feel fulfilled in their deeds to others?

I'm not selfless... I'm just desperate to be free. Those around me just happened to be lucky to benefit from my everlasting inner struggle to survive outside the system.

I need to find home, because I'm sinking in a beautiful boat.

Tomorrows vibes ………….

Great News

I honestly am not documenting this for anyone but myself. I just need to release these secret public emotions. It's like getting to be the anonymous stripper you see on pornhub. I'm kidding, I'm not willing to shave enough to do that. But then again.....

Great News!

In a matter of 7 days, I will be experiencing a lifechanging moment. Whether the experience will go positively or be delayed gratification, in the end, I will win.

I feel so elated! Not only could this mediation be the last possible court date, but it will be the most rewarding if all goes well.

I know my husband is scared to be happy, but even if it doesn't go the way I plan, I will not pass up an opportunity to be happy for days regardless of the results. Whatever the Goddess blesses me with, I will do my best to be wise about my decisions. I just pray we looking at 6-digit numbers!

I'm going to take a moment and lose my fucking mind! If given the opportunity, booboo will be acting like straight new money.  Ha! $300 later.....  I'm too cheap to pretend to be new money. I will have to talk to the Goddess and ask my inner Sista Iyanla, Ms. Bassett and Oprah to take a seat, because I'mma need my inner Cardi, Princess Ri Ri, and lady Mariah to take a stand!